Parish League Stunner: Austin Retires

Orchestrated press conference to announce my retirement from competitive basketball.  Press conference was live and unscripted and masterfully captured by videographer Dylan MacLean.


PRESS RELEASE: 
Louisville, KY– Local basketball star Dac Austin announced Tuesday that he will be retiring from competitive basketball after suffering a season-ending injury. Austin joined the Our Lady of Lourdes Parish League on loan from St. Matthews Baptist Church in 2013. In ten seasons, he captained his team to playoff berths in each campaign and led the league with most championship appearances without a title (3). A diminutive 6'1" guard, he was one of the best catch-and-shoot players in league history despite having no rotation on his shot.

A North Carolina native, he developed his trademark mid-range jumper after his ability to finish at the rim proved futile. Austin points to a childhood rivalry that fostered his development. Growing up, my brother and I always played the Coleman boys from across the street. They were both close to 6'5" and clean looks at the rim were tough to come by. I naturally started shooting opposed to driving.

Taylor Coleman remarked that a particular shot, Austin's No-Look Hook, was bewildering. Dac would start from the corner and float across the lane. I knew it was coming. I would have him defended perfectly. No way he could see the basket. And then he would leap and arc this shot that somehow found its way in the hoop. I don't know how he did it.

Equally befuddling, Austin averaged a league low zero beers per game to accompany 12 points, 5 rebounds, and 5 assist per contest. League officials often questioned his BPG considering his solid production on the court, but Austin was quick to note that he probably would have never felt his hand break had his BPG been at league average.

Overall, Austin is thankful for the time he had with the game and plans on giving back to the league. Rumors have surfaced that he may donate a bottle opener and a bag of ice to future regular-season games and is also working with the wives of referees to integrate more carrots into their diet. A ceremony honoring Austin will be held following this season's playoffs.